* The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
*You're on your way to work one February morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses -- with riders -- and you look around to see that everybody in the cars around you is wearing a cowboy hat.
* For a Chili Cook-off, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped - not ground - beef; and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes.
* The only REAL Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
* When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes; you know he just stepped in a fire ant bed.
* You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits (during rush hour, you haven't left your NEIGHBORHOOD).
* You have a Roach Story: You opened your flatware drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You closed the drawer, bought new flatware -- and stored it in the oven.
* You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
* You know that Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year.
* You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.
* You know that the plural of y'all is "all y'all".
* You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.
* You think that the humidity being below 90 percent makes it a GOOD hair day.
* You've never seen I-10 in any condition other than under-construction -- and you've lived here for 25 years.
* You've seen a 747 with a Space Shuttle riding piggyback flying low right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it.
* You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two cross-dressers on roller blades, holding hands.
* You know that Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south.
* You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. treasury.
* You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.
* If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to a Randall's Flagship, a Kroger Signature, a Rice Epicurean, or an HEB Central Market to buy bread and milk (but you have to dress up!).
* You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window-shop.
* You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Korean instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise and great food.
* "Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town.
* You know that "The Dream" is not a fantasy.
* The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean a bad screwdriver.
* You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with automobile transmissions.
* You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather they keep the title of "Smog Capital."
* You know that the Astrodome will always be the 8th wonder of the world.
* You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Houston.
*You're on your way to work one February morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses -- with riders -- and you look around to see that everybody in the cars around you is wearing a cowboy hat.
* For a Chili Cook-off, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped - not ground - beef; and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes.
* The only REAL Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
* When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes; you know he just stepped in a fire ant bed.
* You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits (during rush hour, you haven't left your NEIGHBORHOOD).
* You have a Roach Story: You opened your flatware drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You closed the drawer, bought new flatware -- and stored it in the oven.
* You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
* You know that Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year.
* You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.
* You know that the plural of y'all is "all y'all".
* You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.
* You think that the humidity being below 90 percent makes it a GOOD hair day.
* You've never seen I-10 in any condition other than under-construction -- and you've lived here for 25 years.
* You've seen a 747 with a Space Shuttle riding piggyback flying low right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it.
* You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two cross-dressers on roller blades, holding hands.
* You know that Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south.
* You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. treasury.
* You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.
* If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to a Randall's Flagship, a Kroger Signature, a Rice Epicurean, or an HEB Central Market to buy bread and milk (but you have to dress up!).
* You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window-shop.
* You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Korean instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise and great food.
* "Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town.
* You know that "The Dream" is not a fantasy.
* The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean a bad screwdriver.
* You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with automobile transmissions.
* You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather they keep the title of "Smog Capital."
* You know that the Astrodome will always be the 8th wonder of the world.
* You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Houston.
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